the most happy

So proud of you Benny!! I wish i one day have the strength to do as you have. If you need anything I'm always going to be here for you!<3 (:

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:46:00 -0700

Thanks a lot Lorena! I know you can too. We all have it within ourselves. I believe in you, girl! ♡♡♡

I just wanted to tell you that I'm very proud of you Benny. You pushed through it all and you're a better person because of it. I know we don't talk as much, but I sincerely mean it when I say if you ever need anything I am still here for you.

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:56:00 -0700

Thanks a lot, ‘manda! I’m still pushing and still trying to be a better person haha. The same can be said for you too. :)

i'm so happy for you ben! do what you need to for you to feel happy. i'm 23 and still trying to find myself - but i don't know if i actually want to put in the effort for self reflection. you've made a major step in your life and i hope you continue on this positive progress! :)

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:48:00 -0700

Thank you so much! I think it’ll just come to you at a point when you feel ready and it comes differently for everyone else! I was ready for change and I’m still in the process. We’re constantly changing and in some cases we may not even know so I’m sure you too have something cooking up but may not even know it. As cheesy as it may sound, I like to think of ourselves like volcanoes in some ways but maybe that’s just the former dinosaur geek in me talking… I know you too can find positivity and insight. Good luck! :)

I was thinking of you. I hope you're ok. :)

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:21:00 -0700

I hope you’re okay too! Much love♡♡♡

where r u

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:19:00 -0700

i know i shouldn’t have kept u waitin

but i’m here now

We are so far from each other in ways that both will probably never fully grasp but that pulse you sent by laying out your thoughts like that is hits so close to home, it makes me feel like we're tiny bits of a whole after all.

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:17:00 -0700

I’m glad to have been a voice that can help you relate to these issues. I too believe we’re all connected in various ways but I also do believe that in the end all we have is ourselves which is why I felt it was necessary to take care of myself because no one else was going to. I mean I have a doctor to go to, somewhat of a support system but in the end they’re not going to do the heavy-lifting you know? I hope my piece did help you in some ways because there’s nothing worse than feeling as if you’re misunderstood or like there isn’t a solution to your problems.

also, i hope your niece is ok now :(

Sun, 05 May 2013 16:59:00 -0700

my niece is fine now! :) she’s put on weight (which was something that had to do with her complications) and got her medical gear removed last wednesday, thankfully!

86 Days

Thu, 02 May 2013 17:25:47 -0700

jvmingutz:

A few months ago I made the decision to distance myself from social media in order to reconnect with myself and reprioritize my life. With the second semester of my sophomore year in college coming to an end I felt that it was okay to get out of that “timeout” and return to the playground.

The reasoning behind my decision developed sometime in late January when my newborn niece had been rushed to the Emergency Room. I spent several hours that night in the waiting room of the ER concerned for the health of my then at the time three-week old niece. As the hours began to pass by I realized I needed a distraction because I had begun to lose my patience with the doctors who couldn’t determine what was wrong with her. I then remembered that there was an eBook of The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky in my tablet so I decided to read it as a means to pass the time.

This popular coming-of-age novel has an adoring fan base, especially within the teenage demographic, but it had never caught my interest. At least that was until the film had been adapted and released in the fall of 2012 so I finally decided to see what the hype was all about. That weekend I had finally come around to read the book during my visits at the hospital and as cliché as it may be, I connected to that book in ways that I couldn’t imagine.

I mainly related to the protagonist of the story, Charlie, and found many of his problems relevant to my own. In comparison to my personal struggles, I couldn’t help but be embarrassed of myself and who I was as a person. With the novel being centered on a fifteen-year-old boy and a prevalent coming-of-age theme, I wondered when in the past five years did I have my own period of coming-of-age? The answer was never. I never truly did because I have lived my life in dishonesty, shallowness and immaturity. I took no action in being responsible for myself and never made any effort to find the solutions to my problems. I constantly lied to myself and it didn’t help that I was aware of how naïve I was living my life. It was time for me to grow up, reinvent myself and be reborn.

The first step in finding myself began with cutting off my dependency on outlets that were not doing me any favors. I primarily used social media to channel my negative energy and it became my crutch and weight that I truly believe kept me from growing. It encouraged my behavior and it negatively impacted my general outlook on life. At times my rabid moments of lashing out online felt like drunken escapades that result in blacking out. I’d wake up the next morning and find myself embarrassed and shocked out of disbelief on what my posts would say or mention. I never thought of the repercussions and how perceptions of who I was as a person could possibly shape me out to be. It was time to put an end to that and do something new to channel this rage inside of me.

In some ways I did find myself cheating by using different forms of social media that I hadn’t consistently used prior to my time away. However, my activity on these new outlets was taking a new approach to my Internet activity. I decided to take a professional route by creating a new image of myself that I wanted to portray. I did my best to create a respectable, honest and simple representation of myself that I hadn’t before.

Being disconnected from everything was like removing the blindfold covering my eyes. Over a period of time I gradually began to feel as if I was becoming in touch with reality, as if I had never done so before. There was more time for me. There were no more distractions, no more deliberate blocks on the road to use as reasons to not correct myself. I had all this time to ponder and reflect. I couldn’t run from my problems anymore. I had to face them and think of how to conquer them.

I learned a lot about myself in such a short amount of time. I think I already knew, as I have always been very self-aware. But this time I was being honest and I wasn’t beating around the bush. I had to actually confront the truth to improve my reality and actually earn the outcome I wanted. A lot of that was by changing the way I used to think and act. I made the effort to correct what I didn’t like about myself and found myself actually being content. On some days I was even happy. That happiness would even take time to begin to fade away. It never left as instantly as it arrived like I had dealt with in the past. My periods of happiness these past few months have extended its stay and I have never complained. I occasionally found myself in disbelief when I realized I was actually happy. At times it would even bring me to tears. It was as if I was seeing myself from another perspective. I would even ask myself if it was real. Was I really happy? And I was. I still may even be.

It was a complete reverse of the way things would typically be and it has been something new and refreshing. I went from going for weeks or even months where I dreaded being awake, even alive for that matter… Looking back I’ve become proud of myself for not ever taking my own life because I’m starting to enjoy life the more I begin to understand it. I found beauty in life. I found beauty in nature. I found beauty in the simplest things. I finally found beauty within myself. I haven’t allowed my clinical depression to win this battle.

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie mentions how he’s encouraged to participate in order to be more socially proactive and essentially, that’s what I did too. I tried new things. I did things I had never done or I even revisited old things I neglected before. I met new people and befriended people I probably would have never socialized with in the past. From these new people I’ve even learned more about myself. You can even say I turned into a functioning human being. I just simply went with the flow and didn’t find the need to overthink things. My incessant analyzing and questioning of every social occurrence, action, detail, you name it had to be put to rest. I constantly live my life with the main intention of living in a state of Zen by not allowing problems to overcome me because things do pass. It just takes time.

If I’ve learned anything during my time reconnecting with myself and life is that not every day will be all rainbows and butterflies. I always wished of a life where everything was nice and easy but unfortunately, it’s not. It’s like how my favorite college professor related Plato’s Allegory of the Cave to real life. We go through every stage and nothing ever remains the same. Some days we’re outside of the cave and in the light. On other days we’re back at the bottom of the cave staring at the image of the light. With that in mind, you can take into consideration how troubles in life will not always remain stagnant. There is always room for growth and our minds have the potential to make the changes we need. I’ve learned the hard way that it doesn’t happen over night but at least it eventually came to me. In some ways I wish someone had told me but finding this out all on my own is what has made me even more proud of I, Benjamin Gutierrez, for taking care of myself. I have accepted that life is what it is and I wont go into a childish fit over it. Things happen but it’s best to leave them in the past and only take with you what you’ve learned. Everyday these past few months have not been easy and it hasn’t all been smiles. In fact on some of my best days I would end that day unhappy. But I end each day with the reminder that these problems are only trivial and tomorrow is a new day that has more challenges but also more opportunities to live, experience and enjoy. I hope to one day be at a full state of inner-peace with myself and to continue finding beauty in everything that comes in my direction during this journey of life. I have gone to hell and back and in some ways I feel as if I have seen it all. But I’m still learning and expanding my horizons. I’m still trying to be the person I want to be and that may even be repeating the same things. But that’s the beauty of this thing we call life, right? I hope it doesn’t grab you too roughly as it did to me too.

I need to make friends with people who are gym rats because I don’t know jack shit on how to...

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 19:38:00 -0800

I need to make friends with people who are gym rats because I don’t know jack shit on how to get my body looking like this:

"I was interested in everything and committed to nothing."

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:48:16 -0800

“I was interested in everything and committed to nothing.”

- Lin, Shantaram (via hadarlikestoblog)

Photo

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:46:16 -0800

blackberryvision: Mannequin down. SoHo.

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:45:01 -0800

blackberryvision:

Mannequin down. SoHo.

trankillement: I See Ye Are Determined to Condemn Me...

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:42:24 -0800

trankillement:

I See Ye Are Determined to Condemn Me by Alasdair McLellan
styling by Panos Yiapanis
Arena Homme + spring 2009

Love Is Blindness| Jack White | The Great Gatsby

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:42:09 -0800

Love Is Blindness| Jack White | The Great Gatsby

Photo

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:41:36 -0800

Photo

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:33:49 -0800

Photo

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:32:34 -0800

homotography: Herbert List

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:30:55 -0800

homotography:

Herbert List

seensense: Uma Thurman, “Pulp fiction” (1994)

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:30:35 -0800

seensense:

Uma Thurman, “Pulp fiction” (1994)

Photo

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:26:35 -0800